when my grandad died

he had been ill for a while. he had lukemia and you could see him dying slowly. the last time i saw him he was in a nursing home with my nana who was in the mid stages of dementia. 

the worst part of dementia is when the sufferer knows they have it and know they cant remeber. they know they are loosing themselves. it is horrible. my nan tried on various occations to slit her throat. grandad was dying and leaving his wife like a lost little girl. it hurt me and my dad  a lot too. 

i was in canada on a hockey and netball tour when he died. i rang home and i knew he had died. when mum told me it still really hurt. its like someone grabs your heart and grasps it so tightyl that it physiclaly hurts and u cant breathe or cry. you just walk.

i then had to play in a tournament. half way through i had to leave. i walked outside and the school nurse comes chasing after me screaming to get back in. she knew me from councellin sessions i used to have with her. i told her i needed to get to church and kept walking. she grabbed me and started shouting. 

a middle aged canadian man and his daughter walk past. he asks if he can help and i tell him i need to go to church. he says hell take me and the nurse comes with. on the way to the car he picks up a cent coin and gives me it. tells me itll bring me good luck. 

we go to the church and i just sit there and cry. it made me feel a lot better.

i carry the coin wherever i go